Popular Christmas Songs You've Never Heard About

Yes, there are popular Christmas songs you've probably never heard about. That's because they are popular only with particular groups and sub-groups and sub-sub groups and minor cliques and by individual couples etc, etc, etc.

Jingle Bell Country = popular with those who hate rock.

Rudolph the Red State Reindeer = popular with Republicans.

Frosty the Snowperson = popular with the Politically Correct.

Belize Navidad = popular in the country of Belize.

Reindeer Got Run Over By Grandma = popular with Grandmother's who hate the other version.

Santa Claus is Mugging the Town = popular with muggers.

I'll Be Nome For Christmas = popular with the Nome, Alaska Tourist industry.

Single Bells = popular with on-line dating service workers.

White Out Christmas = popular with the makers of white-out.

Standing Still Around the Christmas Tree = popular with traditional Baptists who would never be accused of dancing or rocking or whatever.

Vinter Vonderland = popular with Lawrence Welk fans.

12 Weighs of Christmas = popular with Diet Plan Providers.

Deck the Halls = this is a different version popular with the Smith family next door that hates the Hall family's increasingly gaudy decoration display that constantly shines 7 Billion Watts of Lights into their windows and causes a massive traffic jam in the neighborhood by everyone who is driving by looking at the lights thus causing the Smith's to have hostile feelings towards the Halls and the Smith's wistfully dreaming of violent actions against the Hall's.

and finally:

Oh Christmas Tulip = popular with Calvinists who hang lights and ornaments on their tulips every Christmas season.

How To Make Your Christmas Programs Really Distinctive

I visited a church in the area to see their Christmas program last night. It was spectacular featuring dancers, singing, live camels, and other such things. It was great. Very well done. (I am being serious up to this point). Which got me to thinking of how (this is where serious is going to die):

TO MAKE YOUR CHRISTMAS PROGRAM REALLY DISTINCTIVE:

10) Shoot the Pastor out of a cannon and on to the stage when it's his time to be there.

9) Shoot the choir out of a cannon. This may be a lengthy process so you might want to have multiple cannons.

8) Have Mary and Joseph ride in to the auditorium on the back of a moose. This might not be Biblically accurate but it would be different from what other churches are doing.

7) Have your Christmas Program narrated by Gilbert Gottfried (the voice of Iago the parrot in "Aladdin" if you don't recognize the name).

6) Dump real snow from the ceiling on to the people. I don't mean light flakes, I mean get an entire snow drift and have fun.

5) For all the animals in your nativity scene: have them branded with the churches initials during a pre-pageant branding ceremony. However, if your church's name is the "Holy Church of the Our Lady of the Lake of the Bronze Selpuchre of Saint Augustine of Hippo Fundamentalist Independent Missionary Southern Baptist Temple" then you might want to skip this suggestion to avoid the wrath of the Humane Society.

4) Since the Bible does not specifically give an exact number of wise men, you could have about 1000 of them come in for that scene. You will need a large stage.

3) To demonstrate true wisdom, your wise men should not wear the traditional Persian ruler type outfit but instead wear Kentucky Wildcat jerseys.

2) Randomnly pick people out of the audience to play the barnyard animals. But you should have non-traditional animals to set your church apart. Your randomly picked people should wear the following costumes: a musk ox, a kangaroo, an armadillo, an ostrich, a cockroach, an earthworm, and a giant squid.

and

1) Shoot a Giant Squid out of a cannon. Make sure there are no choir members or actors on the stage at the point of impact. It is possible that the squid will not cooperate easily so make sure you have patient people in charge of this.