Theology World (Updated)

EDITORS NOTE: This column was intended to be in two parts originally, but after some thought I decided to just add on to this original column. The add-ons start after Calvin Corner below.

Yes, we are in desperate need for a theology based theme park. Well, some people think so. So in the interest of helping out I have a few ideas for Theology World:

The Lands: Every theme park has themed lands so how about these: Augustine's Area, Aquinas Apex, Luther Land, Calvin Corner, Arminian Acres, Higher Criticism Hollow, Barth Burg, and Existentialist End.

AUGUSTINE'S AREA: Attractions will include the following: Confessions Carousel (the park's merry-go-round); Hungry Hippo (a great restaurant); Allegory (a roller coaster); and The Two Cities Gift Shop.

AQUINAS APEX: Attractions will include: Suma Screamer (a looping roller coaster); Aristotle Air (airplane ride); Monastary Meals (a restaurant); and The Theologica Turnpike (an antique car ride). Of course, you need a gift shop - how about the Medieval Mart.

LUTHER LAND: Attractions include: Wittenburg Whirl (a tilt-a-whirl); Tetzel's Terror (a hyper coaster); Diets of Worms (a food court style restaurant); The Papal Bull (a mechanical bull ride); and the gift shop - Indulgences.

CALVIN CORNER: Attractions include: Tulip Twister (a scrambler ride); The Five Points (a nature walk with five scenic overlooks); Geneva Gourmets (a restaurant); Institutes Inverter (a looping ship ride); Calvin's Escape (a roller coaster themed to Calvin fleeing Geneva the first time he was there); and the Gift Shop: Unconditional Elections (you will buy this merchandise because you are predestined to do so).

ARMINIAN ACRES: Attractions include: Wesley Wheels (a car ride); Free Will Fling (one of those wheels that spins you upside down - chose the ride cabin of your choice); Jacob's Juice (juice shop); and I Hate Tulips (a shop featuring clothing that insults Calvinists).

HIGHER CRITICISM HOLLOW: This is the lame area of the park as can be expected. Attractions include: The Compromiser (a roller coaster that starts of fast but ultimately fails to deliver the intended results); The Wishy-Washy (a log flume); Sigmund Mowinkle's (a restaurant named after the higher critic theologian who, while lame in his work, definitely had the best name of a theologian ever); and Documentary Hypotheses (a bookstore filled with boring, irrelevant books).

BARTH BURG: Not quite as lame as Higher Criticism Hollow, but not that much better. Attractions include: Trying to Have It Both Ways (a ride that swings from side-to-side); Scremo-Orthodoxy (a roller coaster only slightly better than the Compromiser); Barth Burgers (it does have a nice ring to it); and German Accents (a clothing shop).

EXISTENTIALIST END: No one knows what this area is about or what is in it, so we'll go on. We suspect it is ultimately meaningless when you get down to it.

That's the great Theology World theme park. Admission is a pre-destined $45 for Calvinist guests and Arminian guests may chose their own price (as long as its ultimately $45).