How To Make Your Christmas Programs Really Distinctive

I visited a church in the area to see their Christmas program last night. It was spectacular featuring dancers, singing, live camels, and other such things. It was great. Very well done. (I am being serious up to this point). Which got me to thinking of how (this is where serious is going to die):

TO MAKE YOUR CHRISTMAS PROGRAM REALLY DISTINCTIVE:

10) Shoot the Pastor out of a cannon and on to the stage when it's his time to be there.

9) Shoot the choir out of a cannon. This may be a lengthy process so you might want to have multiple cannons.

8) Have Mary and Joseph ride in to the auditorium on the back of a moose. This might not be Biblically accurate but it would be different from what other churches are doing.

7) Have your Christmas Program narrated by Gilbert Gottfried (the voice of Iago the parrot in "Aladdin" if you don't recognize the name).

6) Dump real snow from the ceiling on to the people. I don't mean light flakes, I mean get an entire snow drift and have fun.

5) For all the animals in your nativity scene: have them branded with the churches initials during a pre-pageant branding ceremony. However, if your church's name is the "Holy Church of the Our Lady of the Lake of the Bronze Selpuchre of Saint Augustine of Hippo Fundamentalist Independent Missionary Southern Baptist Temple" then you might want to skip this suggestion to avoid the wrath of the Humane Society.

4) Since the Bible does not specifically give an exact number of wise men, you could have about 1000 of them come in for that scene. You will need a large stage.

3) To demonstrate true wisdom, your wise men should not wear the traditional Persian ruler type outfit but instead wear Kentucky Wildcat jerseys.

2) Randomnly pick people out of the audience to play the barnyard animals. But you should have non-traditional animals to set your church apart. Your randomly picked people should wear the following costumes: a musk ox, a kangaroo, an armadillo, an ostrich, a cockroach, an earthworm, and a giant squid.

and

1) Shoot a Giant Squid out of a cannon. Make sure there are no choir members or actors on the stage at the point of impact. It is possible that the squid will not cooperate easily so make sure you have patient people in charge of this.