Top 10 Rejected Advertising Slogans for Churches

10) No Changes since 1622.

9) Over 1,000,000,000 saved.

8) From rural southern churches: Sunday School 10:00; Smoking Break 10:45; Service 11:00.

7) Baptisms: 2 for 1 sale.

6) A bunch of guys on the phone with each other: Whaaaaaat's Uuuuuuuuuuuuppppppppp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5) I just saved money on car insurance by attending Geico Church.

4) Have you been injured in an accident? Call Pastor Jones, the tough, smart pastor.

3) Four old women standing around a really small church building, one of them constantly says: Where's the Dispensational Eschatology?

2) NOW-NOW-NOW -NOW!!! MONSTER CHURCH-CHURCH-CHURCH-CHURCH!!! FEATURING REVEREND BIGFOOT-BIGFOOT-BIGFOOT-BIGFOOT!!!!

1) TODAY! Part 72 of our exciting 156 part series on the deeper meanings of Calvinistic Sasserdotalism of the Heilsgichecte of the Dispensational Arminian realized eschatology of the early church fathers who lived roughly between 456 B.C. and A.D. 2005 on the deeper meaning of the homiletical hermeneutical apologetical scholastical existential venti mechanical carbonated pharmeceutical soteriological antiquated geometrical stuff of William of Ockham.

This just in: The following slogan has been accepted as proper advertising by a number of churches:
No Changes Since 1623.

My Favorite Sitcoms

Believe it or not Christians watch TV and I have seen a great deal of it in my life. I regret greatly the demise of the TV Sitcom in recent years. Are there any good ones anymore? I've liked a wide variety of them over the years. Some were loved TV critics and other adherents of "Quality TV" and some have been absolutely despised by the critics. Here are my Top 10 favorites of all time (and I've tried to remember when they were on and what network they were on but my memory may be shaky on a couple of those).

10) Green Acres (CBS: 1965-71) You have to love a show where the characters were always saying things that made no sense at all but you still laughed because it worked well. Oliver and Lisa Douglas buy a farm in Hooterville and the locals are crazy. My favorite was Mr. Kimball who had a wonderful way of talking: "Good morning, Mr. Douglas. Well, it's not really a good morning but it's not really a bad one either; actually it's not really still morning either...." . This was the type of thing he would say. And don't forget Arnold the Pig.

9) The Brady Bunch (ABC: 1969-74) Had I not loved this show when I was a kid I probably would not have liked it, but I have wonderful memories of the vacations to the Grand Canyon, Hawaii, and to King's Island theme park. Also, any episode where Bobby was in crisis was usually good, and wouldn't everyone like to have Alice around. Yeah, it had really corny dialogue at times, but it's still a sentimental favorite.

8) Home Improvement (ABC: 1991-99) I especially loved all the conversations Tim had with Wilson and then Time would mangle whatever story Wilson had told. And Al was a perfect character: more competent than Tim at work but desperately needing Tim's help with his personal life (and Al's mom was one of TV's greatest unseen characters ever). However, sometimes in their disputes Jill needed to get over herself and try to see something from Tim's perspective for a change.

7) Perfect Strangers (ABC: 1986-93) Larry and Balki were one of the funniest comic duos in TV history (and easily the most underappreciated). It was a great setup as on first glance it appeared that Balki was the crazy one but in reality Larry was the lunatic. For those who don't remember this one, it was about two cousins sharing an aparment: Larry the neurotic American and Balki the fun loving native of a mythical Mediteranean country. They had girlfriends as well.

6) Family Ties (NBC: 1982-89) Alex P. Keaton was a great character and the writers of this show were among the greatest comedy writers ever. The setup of former Hippie parents with conservative children was fairly lame but the actors and writers rose above the setup to create a very funny show. One of the best lines ever: in the episode where the kids rent the house out as a hotel while the parents are out of town and Dad comes home to catch them...Alex asks his dad if he's planning to stay mad at them for the rest of their lives; Dad's response "That is my plan". It loses something in print, but trust me, it was hilarious.

5) Frasier (NBC: 1993-2004) Frasier and Niles were the funniest brother act in TV history and Maris Crane, Nile's wife, was also a great unseen TV character. The show declined in its later years, but in its first few seasons it was one of the best shows ever on TV. Picking the best episode of this show would be hard because there were so many classics (Niles and Frasier open a restaurant; Niles and Frasier try to write a book together; the Ice Fishing trip; the RV trip; and Niles and Frasier confront their childhood bullies is a list that starts it off) but probably the best was the show where they recreated the radio drama with disastrous results.

4) The Andy Griffith Show (CBS: 1960-68) Mayberry was the ultimate hometown and what a parade of classic characters: Ernest T. Bass, Briscoe Darling, Otis Campbell, Gomer and Goober Pyle, Floyd Lawson, and the funniest lawman in TV history: Barney Fife. It declined during the years after Barney left but at its height it was always good to go to Mayberry.

3) Gilligan's Island (CBS: 1964-67) Another childhood favorite with so many classic episodes: the time they made the silent movie; the one where the rock band the Mosquitos landed on the island; the one where the robot landed on the island; virtually any episode with a dream sequence; and virtually any episode where they were invaded by hostile natives.

2) M*A*S*H (CBS: 1972-83) It had its faults: It was too pacifistic, it was stupid for the characters to wonder why they were there when the reason was so obvious, it had stupid high concept episodes from time to time (i.e. the dreams episode) and virtually every supporter of the Korean war was depicted in a negative light. But it's strength was in the interesting and well-developed characters it created: Hawkeye, BJ, Colonel Potter, Radar, Klinger, and Father Mulcahy. Though show was a bland cartoonish sitcom when it started but gradually strengthened into a quality ensemble comedy-drama; in its later years the drama was over-emphasized. Of the eleven seasons, Seasons three (the last with Trapper and Blake) through Season eight (when Radar left) feature the show at its highest quality.

1) Newhart (CBS: 1982-90) An overlooked gem that never makes anyone elses Top list even though it should. This was (contrary to popular opinion) a much better show than the Bob Newhart show. The Stratford Inn, the Minuteman Cafe, WPIV-TV, and the craziest small town in history were the setting for a show with great major and minor characters: George, Stepanie, Michael, Larry and the Darryls, Officer Shifflet, Jim, Chester, Harley, JJ, and the rest joined innkeeper Dick Loudon in an ensemble that produced some of TV's funniest moments. A true classic (not to mention probably the most memorable final episode in TV history).

Maybe one day they will make good sitcoms again.

Presidential Names

Looking over a recent list of Presidential hopefuls for 2008 I did not find many that had something in common with Presidents (and opponents and Vice Presidents) from the past: a truly comical first name. Now if you are actually named the names below, please understand I am not laughing at you; I'm laughing with you (in some cases, I'll be laughing for you) but I find these names comically wonderful (remember, this is all in good fun).

Who can forget these great Presidential names:

Millard Fillmore, Ulysses S. Grant, Rutherford B. Hayes, Grover Cleveland, Woodrow Wilson, and Herbert Hoover.

Or these guys that ran for President and didn't win or were Vice-President:
Elbridge Gerry, Winfield Scott, Horatio Seymour, Schuyler Colfax, Horace Greeley, Alton Parker, two different Adlai Stevensons (one a Veep and the other a losing candidate), Alben Barkeley (hailing from western Kentucky like yours truly), Strom Thurmond, Spiro Agnew, and Hubert Humphrey (not forgetting losing Veep candidate Sargent Shriver).

There's nothing wrong with these names of course. But you have to admit they are much more interesting than the names of potential 2008 candidates: John, Bill, George, Hillary, Al, Evan, Rudy, and Tom. However, there is hope on the horizon: rumor has it one potential candidate is named Mitt.

Of course no American President has a name quite like some great names from medieval and ancient history: Charlamagne, Ghengis, Atilla, Ethelred, Canute, Otto, Theodosius, and Alleric are just the beginning of a long list of political/military leaders with great comical names (did I mention just about every Roman Caesar). Maybe one day America will catch up.

Should Blogs Be Used To Attack Other Christians?

After doing some randomn reading on the Internet, I became once again aware of the fact that Christians are fighting each other on Blog Sites all over the web (not to mention real web sites). Why would you do this? It is one thing to debate a point on which you disagree with someone (i.e. Calvinism, Charismatic Doctrine, Eschatology, et al.) but it is quite another to criticize other Christians personally in such a forum. I cannot imagine that Jesus is remotely pleased by personal attacks on other believers on the web.

Let me be clear. I am not saying you can't disagree with someone else's position by name. For instance, I disagree with (oh, let's pick somebody) John Piper on 5 point Calvinism. It is OK of me to announce that I disagree with him on that issue and he is perfectly OK (if he ever finds out that I exist) to announce he disagrees with me on the issue. We can even argue the merits of our individual positions in a respectful tone and tenor. I would cross the line of Christian behavior if I made personal attacks on Dr. Piper himself or call him an unwarranted name (heretic is a good example) or talk about how he is a bad person because of this. Even if the things I said in this way were true, it still would not be right to attack him. Let me remind you I only use Dr. Piper as an example here and I do not actually think he is a heretic or a bad person.

Ahh, you say, but what if a person has done something I disagree with (in fact it was an un-Christian thing the person did). The old cliche still holds: two wrongs don't make a right. In the book of Acts, Barnabas probably thought Paul was a complete jerk when he would not allow John Mark to go with them on the 2nd missionary journey. They couldn't reconcile their dispute and went seperate ways. Yet, we have no record of them ever cutting each other down in a public way over the issue even though it seems (to me at least) that Paul's action was completely wrong in this case.

I disagree with the views and actions of many Christian leaders and there are some well known Christian leaders I personally have no respect for because of things they have said or done. However, you won't find their names printed here in the manner of a personal attack. If you ever do, you may feel free to call me on it and I'll correct the error if it is done. Let's act like Christians fellow bloggers!

Helping At The Food Bank

Today my Sunday School class and I worked at the local food bank sorting through things like sodas, canned goods, and other groceries. This is a good ministry thing. As we were doing this it made me think about the fact that there was a day a few decades ago when evangelical churches did not do much of this thing, as they thought they should only do things like having church services and doing outreach evangelism. Yet, social ministry is not a liberal thing; it is a Christian thing! I am glad that era of Bible-believing churches doing social ministry is over.
In the words of the great theologian Forrest Gump "And that's all I got to say about that."

Are You Writing Humorously or Seriously?

Both. It really depends on the blog post. Sometimes I mix them in together. For instance in my post Jobs I Would Hate to Hold the tone is humorous (at least thats the intent) but I am not dishonest about anything. I really would hate to have any of those jobs. In my post Is God a Republican or A Democrat? I am attempting to make a serious point with a mild bit of humor here and there. You should be able to tell in which vein I am writing. Though you will sometimes not know by looking at the title which vein I am writing in.

I believe Christians can be both serious about serious issues and have a fun time as well. Some people claiming to be Christians appear like they have been embalmed before their time (and no one says about them that they look good, the way they do when they normally look at a newly embalmed person.) In other words they look like a bunch of dead stiffs (unless they are really skinny in which they only look like one dead stiff). Anyway, their is nothing Christian about looking like you just stepped out of a coffin.

On the other hand, some younger Christians today don't appear to take much of anything seriously. They blather around like idiots without realizing there are serious issues in life. We don't want to be too frivolous (frivilus, frivilous, frivi...however this word is spelled) about the big issues of life (and many smaller ones as well).

Balance is the key to life in so many ways and I shall write more about balance in later works of literary genius (or regular posts, whichever happens to come out that day). A balanced Christian can seriously discuss issues and can also have fun as well. This blog helps me to do both.

Arminianism in Brief

I am not a five point arminian.

Calvinism in Brief

I am not a five point calvinist.

My Favorite Sports Teams

I am a sports fan though I do not watch as much of it as I used to watch. In fact I rarely watch any sports anymore on TV. I'm not sure why that is. Perhaps its because a) I don't have cable, which does limit what you can watch; b) my broadcast channels are fuzzy much of the time, which also severely limits what you can watch; c) my wife hates sports (except for Olympic events that are scored by a panel of judges, which are the ones I dislike); d) I don't live in a guys dormitory anymore, where sports were the center of the universe (along with theology); and e) there's only so much disappointment I can take each year that Kentucky doesn't win the NCAA basketball championship (and Kentucky football is just down right depressing).

I guess in that last paragraph I gave away that I am a huge Kentucky Wildcat fan. I grew up in Kentucky, and we didn't have professional sports there (unless NCAA violations were occuring, which is another story) and Kentucky is the only real team in the state people can root for and see a winner on a consistent basis. Some of you may say "Hey, what about Louisville?". Louisville is practically in the state of Indiana and the rabid fan base for the team practically all live between I-265 and the Ohio River. Also I have never lived in Louisville, but I did spend a total of 24+ years living in Kentucky. And lets not forget the NCAA championship scoreboard: Kentucky 7, Louisville 2 (and Louisville, in my opinion, only has one of those because of an unfortunate Elite Eight game in the 1986 tournament that UK should have won and then UK would have beaten Louisville in the Final Four round and then won the 1986 championship to make it eight).

In other sports I do root for the following teams:
Baseball: St. Louis Cardinals, Texas Rangers
NFL: St. Louis Rams
NBA: Whichever team currently has the strongest tie to Kentucky represented by the number of former UK players and coaches on the squad.
NHL: I'm really kind of neutral on this one though I do like to watch hockey. In a pinch, I guess I have a slight preference for the St. Louis Blues and the Nashville Predators.
MLS: Are you kidding? I am an American over the age of 30 so that means I don't really follow soccer at all.
NASCAR: I don't follow this either though most everyone I know back home does.
Formula One Racing: I follow NASCAR far more than I follow this.
Running of the Bulls in Spain: I root for Billy Crystal and Daniel Stern in this one.
Australian Rules Football: OK I'll stop now.

Answers to Questions You Haven't Asked

Q: Are You Married?
Yes. I have a beatiful wife that I love very much. Her nickname on this site and in all postings referring to her will be Baby Love.

Q: What is a Seminary?
Contrary to what you have heard it is not a synonym for cemetery. Actually it's a graduate school training pastors, theologians, music/worship leaders, counselors, and other church related personnel.

Q: Who is your favorite preacher?
It would be hard to limit myself to just one but some of my favorite preachers are Andy Stanley, Adrian Rogers, Rick Warren, Charles Swindoll, Ed Young, Jr. , Rob Bell, and my own pastor.

Q: Who is your favorite actor?
It's probably a tie between Bob Newhart and Kelsey Grammar. "Newhart" and "Frasier" are two of my all time favorite TV Shows and their presence in either one boosts the credibility of a project in my view. I enjoyed the NBC 75th Anniversary Special a few years ago where Newhart "criticized" Grammar for basically playing the same guy in two different sitcoms. This is the only time I've ever seen the two of them on-screen together and it was great.

Q: Who is your favorite President?
I like Washington and Lincoln as most do, but my favorite of the last 100 years is Ronald Reagan (chances are I'll write about Reagan in a future column).

Q: You like history. What are your favorite things in history to study?
I like all history pretty well but my favorite subjects are: the period between 300-600 A.D. when the Roman Empire fell, the Protestant Reformation, the Lewis and Clark expedition, World War II, and the Reagan Presidency.

That's enough questions for now.

Jobs I Would Hate To Hold

These would include the following:

1) A Snake Charmer I personally like to stay away from snakes and I doubt this job would allow me to do that.

2) The Pope's Runway Taster I don't know if this job actually exists but I heard Jay Leno speculate that it did once. It seems logical that before the Pope lands on an airplane and kisses the runway of the country he arrived in that someone would go just ahead of him and kiss the runway to make sure it wasn't poisoned. I would not want to taste even a non-poisoned runway so I don't want this job.

3) Bull Rider. This may look glamorous to you if you watch professional Rodeo on TV but I have problems with a job where I could get thrown very quickly into dirt and then have the object that threw me into the dirt then chase after me with the intent of severely hurting me.

4) Greeting Card Writer. Though not likely a dangerous job (except from paper cuts) I probably would not be very good at this one. There are only so many ways you can say "I hate that your sick. Get Well" or "I love you more than (Fill in the Blank)". Though I do have one suggestion: "Hope you get well from tasting that poisoned runway."

5) Paratrooper. Falling out of an airplane at a fast rate of speed where my chute may or may not open and I may splat onto a poisoned runway filled with angry bulls. Not for me.

6) Airline Food Cook. Not especially dangerous but it is a job where no one congratulates you on a job well done.

7) Ballroom Dancing Instructor. While not dangerous to me this would be potentially dangerous to those I was teaching as I possess very little grace and elegance and could potentially accidentally crash into the students who would then flea the building in terror and take bull riding lessons instead (for a less dangerous hobby).

8) Paparazzi. I'm not especially fond of being deeply hated by celebrities for the reason that I would actually deserve to be deeply hated by celebrities. I don't mind if I'm hated for reasons that are their problem (i.e. they think I'm better looking than they are or they think I 'm smarter than they are or they think I'm a threat to replace them in their next movie, which is highly unlikely unless they are playing the Michellen Tire Man in their next movie) but I don't like being hated for reasons of being an obnoxious jerk invading their privacy. Well, you get the idea.

9) Nuclear Waste Disposer. I think this requires litttle explanation.

10) A Bull Riding -Paparazzi-Runway Tasting-Paratrooping-Snake Charming-Greeting Card Writing-Ballroom Dancing Insructing-Airline Food Cooking -Nuclear Waste Disposing Person. This would likely be held by only one person in the entire world if this job existed but I imagine I would likely hate my life if it were me.

Books I Recommend.

The first thing I shall do is recommend some of my favorite books to let you do two things:
1) Know more about me.
2) Introduce to you books you should read.
This is not an exhaustive list and I will likely expand it further at a later date.

MY BOOK RECOMMENDATIONS:
1) The Bible. This is unique among all books in that it is God's Word and not, as my pastor frequently says, man's opinion. It is authoritative in your life and mine. You dont' decide what parts of the Bible you will accept. You allow the Bible to dictate to you what you will believe and do. It is infallible and innerrant in that God's Word contains no errors in what it says and teaches. You will find errors in the quotes of men the Bible contains at times, but the Bible will demonstrate for you how what is in those quotes is in error.

Other books that are not on the same level of the Bible but are vital for a person's knowledge and wisdom are the following titles. I have some minor disagreements with the author's opinions in some of these books, but the larger material covered is vital for a healthy life.

a) The Purpose-Driven Life by Rick Warren. Especially good for those of you with little background in Christianity or in understanding why God created you in the first place.
b) Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby and Claude King. Very helpful in learning how to discover and maintain a personal relationship with God.
c) Wild At Heart by John Elderedge. Cuts to the core of what it means to be a man.
d) If You Wanna Walk on Water, You've Got To Get Out of the Boat by John Ortberg. Teaches you how to walk in obedient faith with God.
e) Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire by Jim Cymbala. The importance of prayer is underscored in this book about the real life story of the Brooklyn Tabernacle Church.
f) More Than A Carpenter by Josh McDowell. For those of you skeptical of Christianity out there, this short book gives powerful evidence for the resurrection of Jesus Christ.
g) Rebel With A Cause by Franklin Graham. This autobiography of the son of Billy Grahams will show his struggles with becoming a Christian in the first place and then it will show you the excting ways he has been used by God since becoming a Christian.
h) God's Smuggler by Brother Andrew. Some titles of this were published under the name The Narrow Road. This is an autobiographical story of a man God used to smuggle Bibles into Communist countries during the 1950's and 1960's. Don't let the time period of the book lead you to believe it is not worth your time. It is extremely fascinating reading.

That is the list for now. I plan to publish more recommendations on books in areas related to the life of a church in the future. I am also an avid history buff and will plan on giving a list of those recommendations as well.

Why name your blog this?

I am a servant of Jesus Christ. Check Paul's writings in the New Testament and you will see that he frequently introduced himself as a servant of Jesus Christ. Some people think that means that you check your brain at the door and don't use it anymore. Nothing could be further from the truth. Christ wants his servant's to use their minds. Thus the name of my blog.